He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
