so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
