i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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