i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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