i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
