My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
