Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
