so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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