I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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