I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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