They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize