I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
