dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
