get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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