I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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