I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
