If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
