When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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