Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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