i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
