Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
