omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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