i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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