I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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