I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
