i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
