Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
