If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
