you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
