Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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