I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
