When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize