He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
