Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
