sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
