i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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