my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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