I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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