No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
