my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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