I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
