It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize