i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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