Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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