connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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