I showed him my bush... on skype.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
