The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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