I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
