His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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