I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
