In the future we'll all be gay
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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