His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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