Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
