That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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