the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
