Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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