What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You pole danced in your parka.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
