Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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