remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
